make it go away…

I cry alone at the toilet around 12 midnight. The next morning, while talking with Yvonne about my inner feeling, my tears drop again.

Everything weigh so heavily on my shoulder. I just can’t cope with everything..  All look awfully shocked at my clubbing. I try so hard to drink to dance to forget about everything. Does it help? Yes it does, but only temporary.

It seems like a messed fucked up life. I admit so, but what can I do? I try so hard to make it better, but sometimes road can be rocky and curvy.

After a fucked up week, I never ever sleep that long like today. Yet now my eyes are threatening to close.

Anyone please help me to take this pain, this heavy heart, this tired body away from me?

I just need a breath.

It has been such a hectic week, with all these piling up and slapping across my face.

Trust me, it is such a damn, to the extent that I feel that I can’t breathe well lately. Sometimes I will find myself unable to breathe all of sudden. Feel damn like wandering around the dark streets at night, no mood to sleep, lost in a daze and so on.

If not for my colleagues and seika, I think that I will lost myself in this world. Deeply appreciate their willingness to understand and really listen to me.

Trust me, at this moment, I don’t need any sweet talks, encouragement of words or whatever. It only appear as brush me aside or “come on I more worse than you.” Talking about understand or knowing me, sorry I have to say that “Are you ME?”

My colleague say that I have to be more big hearted and accept everything. I do so in the past, and what happen? it happen again and again to the extent that I can’t trust or believe so easily. It freak me out that I tell directly to my colleague that I give 2 chances and more than that, everything will change. I treasure the friendship with my colleague, for we are of same age and we can talk about everything. When I hear of her admission to NTU, I am filled with happiness and sadness.. It is such a mixed emotion. I certainly miss her laughters and conversations.

~

I have already tried my best, to the extent that I wonder if my heart will take it anymore.

Now I am on the journey to new road soon. I hope that I will persist and work harder, also… with wholefully myself.

alright everyone, I will work harder in building my mask.

I hate myself.

hmmm….

It has been some times since I walk around alone…

~

oh! my colleague buy my favourite chocolate biscuits from her home and bring them for me to eat during breaks! O.O

add to another, jiaxin treat me lunch today! O.O

~

on my way to home after wandering around after course, I suddenly feel like crying, at that point grandma appear in my mind and I feel calm. Then I miss her…

then when I reach home, dad tell me a good news that I gotta see her soon in 2 days later!

~

alright I hope tmr class will end early!

hello to coming week!

simply can’t wait for coming week!

for…i gonna be on course for 2days, which mean…

first, I can wake up late and end early!

second, I can eat lunch with jiaxin!

third is…SEIKA!

and lastly is I don’t have to face that WWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD! BLOODY HAPPY!

these are the reasons that keep me smile!

~

OH and something to add in which is.. I hope I will bring myself out of it soon. Stop being so insecured and think of future.

taken from someone who say this,

“never depend on guy. In the end truth proved that woman should depend on herself, only herself can save herself.”

that is like wow! i can clap for non-stop.

yet jeff say… without them, how do girl come to this world? oh man. -.-

He totally twist my word. blah blah blah.

BUT I am so glad that they are safe in their world.

~

alright back to my criminal minds. I gotta keep my eyes open for…Prentiss and…the most cleverest and cutest doc reid. His curly hair totally capture my heart. lol.

13/3/2011

hey! it’s time for a change.

 

*let pray hard for those in earthquake 2011.

what else do you expect?

been reading a book that made me ponder about myself..

“what do i want to be in future? what do i wish to do the most? what lie ahead in my future?”

I choose to be cool about my life, because I find no way out. what do I need to say more for that?

now natural disaster god strike again, and it is my first time to watch these videos, that leave me in shock and I pray for everyone’s safety. then I find myself SMS seika about her grandmum and everyone safety.

One moment I was staring at my computer, another moment earthquake strike Japan. We are similarly human, doing our work. Yet there is difference that I am safe in my office, while others hiding under desk in fear for their life. How ironic is that?

~

some made me how selfish human can be. Well don’t we all? We can sleep in our bed peacefully while others gonna hide in their safety ground, waiting for the worst to over.

Seriously I sort of anticipate this. I frown at every construction or underground construction. I always feel like screaming at them that they are trying to kill our earth! Other dept head even agree with me when I mention that the construction work is one of the cause that provoke natural disaster god. So what can I say?

~

I choose to make myself busy, perhaps trying to make my life more miserable. My heart is heavy and I am totally tired. I have enough of human. Sometimes I will feel abit shocked whenever my colleague bring something from home for me to eat. Or sometimes I will feel relieved when seika answer my call. It is like as if it has been long time since someone treat me so well and that make me feel even scared.

~

anyway I have been looking forward to meeting seika one day, for it has been LONG time since I meet her. other than that, I have no time and money for others.

alright time to make myself busy. Bye everyone!

GTH

I am so glad that whenever I need to talk to someone, seika is always one call away, and she manage to stop me from throwing letter at my boss. lol I bet she have no idea how much I appreciate that <3

~

Work has been such a damn this week, but surprisedly chatting with xin online made my days pass by fast and I listen to her by being damn calm with my boss, even I myself am so surprised by my calm attitude.

~

I know advice is meant for either you take or ignore. Lately I feel like I am talking to myself, like no one treat my words seriously. It is like I talk, and no one listen, in the end I may as well talking to myself. Therefore I choose to keep quiet and keep my mouth shut.

~

2nd sis is on small trip to beautiful beach with her friends, I so much envy her, but such envy is temporary, for both of us know clearly that to us, friends does not always stand by us.

~

i feel something is changing, and i never thought that you expect me to find out in june, the month that i hate the most. why let me have another excuse to hate june even more. fuck that. I hate it.

~

i better go watch my favourite show before it get worse.

Woody and Happy

I have been feeling uneasy and depressed about my future again, but I managed to keep it well inside me.

Woody is a hyper rough dog. Playing with him always leave me wondering if I am his food, for he is forever gnawing on my hands. I play rough with him, which made him extremely aggressive but I don’t mind. In the end my hands are full of red marks.

I will never forget that on my last day morning I was just coming out from toilet and I saw Woody struttering to the room I was in, he saw me and stop. I called out his name and he walk towards me, I play with him, letting him gnaw on my hands as much as he want.

Happy is my other cousin’s dog. She is an extremely gentle and shy dog, she don’t play, bark and gnaw people’s hands. She just love people sayang her. When I first step in their big home, she was just out from bath. After my aunt finish blowing her dry, I open my arm and say, “Hello Happy!”. To my surprise, she walk into my arm and nudge me. She remember me!

I want to sayang and play with a dog now…with a dog around, i am able to forget about the world and everything. all i care is to shower it with my loves…

I wake up and sit on my bed for a long time, thinking about this, “am i too strong?”

just because of one tweet, everyone jump to conclusion, and even if after explaining, they still don’t understand. It hurts more than not saying. Anyway, it is nobody’s fault. It is my fault.

add up to it, after talking about my future studies, I feel even more worse. I spend all my times on researching my future studies, and even send emails to every overseas universities and draft out a list of all overseas expenses. Looking at the amount, you may think I am crazy, oh well. how about you find me a course of my choice? Till now I don’t even dare to talk to family about it, because I know deeply that mum will not allow me to go overseas. So why everyone ask me to study for?

so i have to keep everything inside me, waiting for one day to explode. if one day you can’t find me, don’t feel so surprised. Now I am like walking on unstable bridge which is ready to fall apart.

i can’t let down my grandmum, i can’t let down everyone. everyone look at the family portrait and see i am the only one without the hat, and ask if i am in university now. my dad will say my daughter will go to university oneday. when i ask my dad about that, he say mum also want me to go university, when i ask mum about that, mum say it is your life, i am not forcing you to go university. my aunt say, i am not bullied at work yet, so i don’t think of going to university. so in the end, anyone see how hard i am trying to find a course of my choice? nope. so what is point of talking to anyone? all they will say is go sim find one, very easy to graduate. what about the main point?

rmb one day i decide to keep quiet and keep everything inside me? i have a big quarrel with 2nd sis in the car, and i end the conversation, fine since everyone feel that i love to complain, i don’t say anymore. yet when i remain silent and keep my problems, mum will tell me to talk to sisters or family about it, instead of moping around, no one see a point that since no one keen to listen, what is the point of telling everyone?

the main reason of tuning away from twitter and facebook, is i see everyone stand up for their friends, but me? nope.

alright to be fair, except seika.

believe me, i choose to be strong because i have been trained since young.

alright i ought to sign off, before it made me feel even worse. to give myself a last hope, i got to sign on local universities now.